There was a time when I was a child full of fun and frolic, when the word tension just meant being getting scolded by parents when clothes were dirty, when I could be anybody I wanted to be while playing games, be it a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer or an actor, and last but not the least when I was free to do anything I'd like to or speak anything whatever is on my mind and that was the time when I learnt imagining. There were no restrictions to my imaginations, nothing bothered me while I was engrossed thinking, nothing stopped my free flow of words inside my grey matter, I used to journey the whole world in just 1 second and I could imagine myself being with my superhero Rambo and I could live my dreams in my imaginations as well. loved it. My teachers back in school called me a day dreamer because I used to keep looking outside the window and think and think and think while the teacher was explaining the parts of a plant. But don't be mistaken by the word "think" here. Unikely, my thought process was very simple and lucid, it was as clear as the water flowing in a stream and as simple as 2+2=4. Most importantly all these thoughts and imaginations were not restricted by the people around me and I had the full liberty to speak or say or convey anything to anybody that I wanted to without bothering much whose interested and whose not...it simply didn't matter to me at all. All I wanted was to articulate whatever was on my mind.
But unfortunately, as I grew up, I saw things changing around me and within me. I started thinking more, and more deeply. The entire thought process was as if there is some conspiracy going on among the words inside my mind. My thoughts were too diverse now. They started contradicting each other. They started getting manipulated by others. And I started to contemplate more. Sometimes I wonder, my imaginations struggle with my peripheral brain to break the wall and come out and burst into molecules so that they can breathe....Strange ain't it !!
When the first time we meet a new person, we build up so many thoughts and start creating a different persona in our imaginations. We start relating ourselves to them and judge them. We start practizing how to talk to them and what to talk to them. Is this all required at all ? Why is the third person deciding how I shall act in front of them. Thats a complete crap. This did not happen when I was small...not at all. Each person we meet is different from the other but am I the same for all of them ? I guess the answer is NO. Each person has a different perspective about me. But why is it so. I am just one entity and I am the same. But yet again, when I ponder over these thoughts, I realize I am different, different for every person. All this confuses me. Because I am not able to figure out who I am !! Who is my real self. It has become so difficult in this world to be the same for everyone. Every person moulds you the way he/she wants you to be and I end up searching for my real self. Somehow I dislike this feeling of restricting myself . My free flow of imagination gets interrupted and therby I lose the connection between my mind and my heart. And then again I think, think about what to talk to whom....it's not so simple as it sounds. And here I remember, Marilyn Monroe once said "The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a new character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving someone I wasn't. When they found out, they would blame me for disillusioning them and fooling them." So true !!!
This is a rather complicated process of re-inventing yourself once you are mistaken for what you are not and vice-versa.
Seventh Shade of love