Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow !!!

It's 23:00 hrs now and I am sitting on my bed taking a look at my surroundings. I can see my study table piled up with stack of books, medicines round the corner, a things to do list, my stereo system and right in front of me, my small shelf containing innumerable things beyond its capacity which haven't been dusted for long; my maid refuses to do so ! Up on the ceiling, fan rotating at full speed and windows open allowing fresh air to blow the curtains. This is what I call a perfect moment to blog something with thousands and thousands of things running into my mind. I am lonely, perhaps alone. I want to speak out my heart, I want somebody to listen to me while I speak, to read my mind while I am knitting my thoughts together.

I had a chat with my friend who is far from India, the only person who can understand me the way I want people to. It was a nice piece of conversation that we shared. He hates the place he lives in and keeps complaining about it. I can understand it, coz he is far from his family and alone like me. We think alike and so we don't mind cribbing. It is sometimes good to crib :P and then the moment becomes light. I was just discussing with him a few things about the kind of people we come across and the kind of notion that they build about us. I tell you, these social networking sites are indeed very misleading at times. The way you project yourself there ain't real for most of the people. However, based on what you post there can be interpreted in different ways. You better watch out what you write on these sites !! My friend then asked me as to why I suddenly started talking about all this. I wasn't sure of my answer. I said to him "People take me for somebody I am not" He was surprised as he wasn't aware that I would be so serious about it. And then I kept on speaking and he kept on listening. I didn't even bother to ask him 'are you getting bored?' I knew he wasn't.

Until college, I wasn't so bothered to figure about what people thought of me. I always thought I was the best in every way. I considered myself as an outgoing, extrovert, audacious girl and yet simple and elegant. Today things have taken another course. It matters to me how I am being interpreted and how I am being judged. Why such a difference?. I still stand confident and best in every way, in fact a few more adjectives added to the list, a more versatile figure and much more mature than I had been a few years ago. "Then what is it that has changed? ", he asked. I simply replied, in the former years, what I thought about myself and what people thought about me was alike and they agreed to it. But now, there is a huge difference between what I think and what people think of me. Now I am rather interpreted as a bold, chilled out girl who likes partying around with a carefree nature. And suddenly my friend interrupted and said, "You are not like this, I know you inside out" and I simply entered a ":)" smiley. I need to break this image of mine coz its creating problems. There is simpler side of me which remains hidden in this flashy world of chilled out attitude. I am mistaken for something which I am not or in other words, people like this chilled out part of me, but I want to be pampered. I need something else. I need some concern. I need to go slow. All I need is to hold myself back !!! My friend completely understood what I meant by each and every word. He tried to console me. Altleast I was happy to know that there still exists some people who really care to know what lies beneath and are ready to accept me the way I am. Thanks to my dear friend. Wish there could be more !!!

Dil Se....Satrangi Re

Dil Se, a movie by Mani Ratnam wherein not many people understood the hidden meaning behind it. Shot against the panoramic background of Ladakh, a film that tells the story of a chance meeting that grows into all consuming love. It's a clash between love and ideology. It's a film about real people, about you and me.

According to ancient Arabic literature, love is classified into seven different shades which is what Dil se is all about. Lets journey through these seven shades of love which is true even in this time of the world. The song "Satrangi Re"exactly describes the seven shades of love.

First Shade of love

HUB . . .

Eyes meet, its like a touch....
A spark....

................................. Attraction






Second Shade of Love

UNS. . .

The touch of the eyes
was as if it was

........................Infatuation







Third Shade of Love

ISHQ . . .

The flame of her body is felt,
his breath starts igniting,

.................................. Love






Fourth Shade of Love

AQUIDAT. . .

She touches him like a whisper,
as if silence is mixed in her eyes,
he prays a little conciously,
a little unconciously

................................... Reverence






Fifth Shade of Love

IBADAAT. . .

He is entangled on her path,
entangled in her arms,
love now turns to...
..................................Worship







Sixth Shade of Love

JUNOON. . .

Living is an obsession...
dying is an obsession...
apart from this there is no peace
.....................................Obsession






Seventh Shade of love


MAUT. . .

Let him rest
in the lap of death,
let him drown his body
in her soul
........................ Death





Link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZOhJGJdPtc

Who Am I ???

There was a time when I was a child full of fun and frolic, when the word tension just meant being getting scolded by parents when clothes were dirty, when I could be anybody I wanted to be while playing games, be it a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer or an actor, and last but not the least when I was free to do anything I'd like to or speak anything whatever is on my mind and that was the time when I learnt imagining. There were no restrictions to my imaginations, nothing bothered me while I was engrossed thinking, nothing stopped my free flow of words inside my grey matter, I used to journey the whole world in just 1 second and I could imagine myself being with my superhero Rambo and I could live my dreams in my imaginations as well. loved it. My teachers back in school called me a day dreamer because I used to keep looking outside the window and think and think and think while the teacher was explaining the parts of a plant. But don't be mistaken by the word "think" here. Unikely, my thought process was very simple and lucid, it was as clear as the water flowing in a stream and as simple as 2+2=4. Most importantly all these thoughts and imaginations were not restricted by the people around me and I had the full liberty to speak or say or convey anything to anybody that I wanted to without bothering much whose interested and whose not...it simply didn't matter to me at all. All I wanted was to articulate whatever was on my mind.

But unfortunately, as I grew up, I saw things changing around me and within me. I started thinking more, and more deeply. The entire thought process was as if there is some conspiracy going on among the words inside my mind. My thoughts were too diverse now. They started contradicting each other. They started getting manipulated by others. And I started to contemplate more. Sometimes I wonder, my imaginations struggle with my peripheral brain to break the wall and come out and burst into molecules so that they can breathe....Strange ain't it !!

When the first time we meet a new person, we build up so many thoughts and start creating a different persona in our imaginations. We start relating ourselves to them and judge them. We start practizing how to talk to them and what to talk to them. Is this all required at all ? Why is the third person deciding how I shall act in front of them. Thats a complete crap. This did not happen when I was small...not at all. Each person we meet is different from the other but am I the same for all of them ? I guess the answer is NO. Each person has a different perspective about me. But why is it so. I am just one entity and I am the same. But yet again, when I ponder over these thoughts, I realize I am different, different for every person. All this confuses me. Because I am not able to figure out who I am !! Who is my real self. It has become so difficult in this world to be the same for everyone. Every person moulds you the way he/she wants you to be and I end up searching for my real self. Somehow I dislike this feeling of restricting myself . My free flow of imagination gets interrupted and therby I lose the connection between my mind and my heart. And then again I think, think about what to talk to whom....it's not so simple as it sounds. And here I remember, Marilyn Monroe once said "The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a new character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving someone I wasn't. When they found out, they would blame me for disillusioning them and fooling them." So true !!!

This is a rather complicated process of re-inventing yourself once you are mistaken for what you are not and vice-versa.

Is it enough to not expect ??

Aah.....it's been a long long time since I jotted down anything here......
Once again I sit down to think what's been happening all these days and how is today different from yesterday and tomorrow. There is this wierd sensation going on within me for days.........don't really know what it is !!!
If I look back to the things that I always wanted to get, I'm pretty sure I got, but what's in there that is so unusual. I am not the same person as I used to be. Is it so ?? Or is it that people around me keep changing. Ahh, it's quite difficult to be yourself in a world where people constantly try to change you. I have the money to spend, I have the home to live in, I have the clothes to wear, I have to job to work for, in fact I have everything that can possibly make me happy, but there is just one thing that is missing for that one percent of the happiness remaining and believe me this one percent is too expensive to buy. What's the missing thing ??? I have been trying to figure it out for quite sometime. Well, I knew the answer for a long time, but was apprehensive to disclose it to myself even. May be I was afraid to confront the truth.
It's trust, it's faith, it's affection, it's bonding, it's selflessness, it's all about true love. Oh my my !! the same boring stuff once again....I feel like laughing, laughing at my foolishness for giving chance to people to hurt me all the time. How can somebody be so ridiculous !!!
You know what, it's really hard to hold on your emotions back when you get something you really want, but it's harder to let tears flow from your eyes when you realize it was not at all worth it and it's the hardest to learn that all this time long you have been losing out on yourself, you let go your pride and ego, you lose your identity, you are not the same person anymore and then you feel dejected. I despise this feeling of being dependent on my heart all the time. I have been such an altruist everytime and expected others to be the same but to my despair, I found that its extremely difficult to expect anything from anyone. Exceptations, a word too heavy to pay for !!!

LOVE is mAgIcAl................is it so ?????????

Is love so magical that a person feels he's completely taken aback by it........this is what I feel love is.......

• Love is something u see in their eyes and begin to trust them instantly.
• Love is a feeling which makes you love yourself.
• Love is a reason for you to be happy.
• Love is a dream which you want to come true.
• Love is beauty, its makes the world more beautiful.
• Love is when you start loving the idea of being in love itself.
• Love is an aroma in which you would want to get mixed.
• Love is an intoxication, you are high even without boozing.
• Love is a music which doesn't require any orchestra, it plays where ever you are.
• Love is something for which you would love to die.
• Love is a game in which you would do anything to win.
• Love is when you don't give a damn to your ego.
• Love is when you feel you don't have anything else to do, except, to love.
• Love is when you start seeing yourself in them.
• Love is like the sound of water flowing through the streams, its just so pure and gentle to listen.
• Love is like the rainbow, it sprouts up when a big fight is followed up by a silly laughter.
• Love is like a splash of water, you just love it when every droplet falls on you.
• Love is like the silent night, you stare at it continuously asking for your answers but you don't get one.
• Love is a wish which you always ask in your prayers.
• Love is a poem, you struggle for words to make it rhyme in the right way.
• Love is pain, but you would have never loved to be in pain ever before.
• Love is like the first rain of monsoon, you wait to get wet with it.
• Love is when you find it so hard so to say something to someone.
• Love is all when you actually feel you don't know whats happening to you.
  

Memories are good to remember if you don't have to deal with the past........

Thin line between Right and Wrong !!

As it is rightly said in one of the books I read "Sometimes it is necesaary to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. The important thing is to be sure that our reasons are right, and that we admit the wrong -- that we do not lie to ourselves, and convince to ourselves that what we are doing is right".
This is what exactly I also try to do. But I find myself caught up in a thin line between right and wrong. It often happens to me, what I feel is right for myself, is wrong for others and vice-versa. And I find it extremely hard to convey to people my doing. At other times I get influenced by people and follow their opinions which I find right but later on end up doing the wrong and regret.
I guess I need to find out whether there is anything like RIGHT and WRONG ?? Who decides what is right and what is wrong ??Are there any rules which we need to follow?? It's such an irony, some people say follow your heart and some say follow your brain. On analysing, I found out that my heart often leads me to the wrong thing but still I enjoy doing it, I get such pleasure that I don't care about being wrong and I feel it's just the right thing I wanted to do. But if I follow my brain, knowing that it's right, I don't enjoy doing it and again feel, this is not the way I wanted it to be. This right and wrong thing hasn't done anything good to me, in fact I am always in a dilemma thinking which one to choose. My reasons might me right but then the outcomes are wrong or its just the opposite. How do I decide which part of the line I should be in ??